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all good news. [16 Apr 2009|06:29pm]
I have a 2nd interview at bare essentials tomorrow!
Also possibly may be going back to Aveda which would ruleeee.

I won tickets to a bridal showcase with free gifts through brides.com!
ALSOOOO a paid trip to any of the 21 select resort vacation spots including, but not limited to, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Cancun.
I didn't think people actually won shit like this!
So stoked.

Also stoked about getting my bangin' tax refund back and getting BONNAROO TICKETS!! with extra ballin' out money to spare!
Anyone else going?

This weekend will be amazing as well.
Chris and Staci are coming over tomorrow.
Patty's bday.
Bridal showcase sunday.
The anniversary of Mr. Hoffman and his bike ride. Haha.
And then 420!
If anyone would like to party for that the way you shoulddddd, come party at the house! I've got the whole day off! We can get crunk and grill out.






Besides that.
I never post here anymore but i still read.
ehhhhhh.
3 | &

[12 Jan 2009|02:34pm]
It's a good day to just relax with someone special and build up that emotional bond you have or that you want to have. Watch a movie or go out and participate in a new activity. Just take advantage of the mood and don't stay home and day dream, it's time to live the dream.

IKEA date with my baby today.
Then going to FINALLY pick up our new guitar hero!
And other things for our house.

Man, one week and I'll have my own house with the person I love.
Seriously, girls dream of this shit from like, birth.
Well I did anyways. Haha.

Damn I feel so lucky.
&

The yearly survey! [11 Jan 2009|03:25pm]
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Fallen madly in love with someone new. Moved into the city with my friends. Went and STAYED at school. Loved what I was doing. Partied my ass off to a point of ridiculous. Slowly became, then quickly rejected being a socialite of sorts. Totaled my car. Did acid, molly, and my first beer bong. Loved myself without anyone else, and then found the best relationship of my life. Lived with a boyfriend. OH! and looked at wedding rings, got pseudo engaged. :)

2. Did you keep your New Years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I made any. But this year I am fucking losing weight!
And I told myself this was the year of new experiences, and so far, it definitely has been.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My pupuh and my kitty this year. :(

5. What countries did you visit?
Bleh. None. I'm broke. And in school! No vacay for me!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More self confidence. I would like to grow more as a person. I feel I did a ton of it in 2008, but I'd like to see how far I can take it. I would like to have more self discipline and responsibility. I really just cannot wait to see how I do with my own house with my fiance. I can't wait to see how we grow together and blossom. I really am just looking forward to starting the rest of my life, and continuing on this happy little journey I started at the end of 08. So far, so good. I would like to actually graduate from school, too. 2009 is nothing but up for me, I think.


7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
REALLY lame, but the day I met Kiel. Seriously! And the best new years and new years kiss I have ever had in my life! Which is technically 09 I guess?
Then the day I moved into my first house with the girls in VA highland. And then there's the day I moved out. =/
The last night of DSC when I totaled my car on 400.
Also, my first day of school. The day I left J&F. My birthday this year. The day I left Nick. The day Sean left for the Air Force. Christmas this year in Greenville. Christmas eve and the Clemson hoodies. The Umphrey's show. The night of the Clemson game, taco mac mug, and QT stop. Acid, the flaming lips, the park the next day. Just all the beginnings and endings I had this year.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I decided to not be stuck in the job I was at and finally go to cosmetology school after talking about it for YEARS. And I'm doing pretty well! I love it. I finally found what I should be doing with my life. Besides that, leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, never ever to go back. Finding someone who loves me and treats me the way I deserve. The person I'm supposed to spend my life with.

9. What was your biggest failure?
The whole thing that happened at the VA High house.
Fucking, so awful. I lost so much after that night. Basically the entire way my life had been for a year or more got completely turned upside down.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Pretty healthy year! Just hangovers, really. Haha.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My NYE ticket was bought FOR me to the sound tribe show. But it was seriously amazing.
My tuition to school.
The month I WAS able to pay rent.
OHHH! MY IPHONE!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Kiel is the most amazing person I have ever met.
And any friends who stuck around and loved me. Just loved me. Didn't care about the politics or bullshit. The he said she said. People who loved me for me and understood when I had to make life changes.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Fucking, everyone else. You all should get your heads out of your own asses.
Grow the fuck up for the love of god, please. You are only making fools of yourself.
I hope you see the light one day and realize how utterly ridiculous you all are.
Keep shitting all over each other and calling one another friends. Seriously.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Booze, cigarettes, gas, food, shows, clothes, hair products. Yep! That pretty much never changes.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The soundtribe show on new years eve! The house with the girls. My house with my baby! GETTING MARRIED! School. BONNAROOOOO with my baby! Even though that's this year, I was still excited last year! Haha. All sorts of things.

16. What songs bands will always remind you of 2008?
Soundtribe, Umphrey's. Hold Steady! Drive by truckers. Radiohead. Beatles. Jimmy Eat world. Third Eye Blind, the last 3 songs on the first album. The whistle song. Britney- womanizer! Haha. Lynard Skynard. Led Zepplin. Fucking American pie from the end of the nights at graveyard. Queen, bohemian rhapsody. Love in your mouth. Haha. Rolling stones. Flaming lips. Rilo Kiley's Under the black light. Counting crows. Shit Preston played all those drunken nights. hahahaha, FEVER DOG. God the list goes on and on!

17. Compared to this time last year:
i. are you happier or sadder? So much happier. Beyond anything ever.
ii. thinner or fatter? Probably about the same?
iii. richer or poorer? SO poor. Haha. SOOO poor.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Not getting caught up in people's bullshit. Focusing on myself and my life, and things that were positive for me and for others.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Thinking bullshit mattered! Seriously. Basing my feelings about myself off of how others felt about me.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Oh man I was on the mission to give Kiel the best Christmas ever! We ate little smokies and opened gifts. Got ready, drove to Greenville to meet his grandma listening to Skynard and Drive by truckers the entire way. Ate there, drove home. Ate here. Then just loved on each other, hung out, and went to sleep, I believe. It was lovely.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I met THE love of my life this year. Man I'm going to marry. I couldn't be happier.

22. How many one-night stands?
Nada.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Haha, I hate everyone. WELL. Most everyone.

24. What was the best book you read?
Honestly. Don't think I finished a single book. Fucking pathetic.
Started choke though. Good so far.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hold steady and Soundtribe for sureeeee.

26. What did you want and get?
The start of a great life I'm proud of.

27. What did you want and not get?
A steady job with decent money for while I'm in school.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Dark Knight. Hands down.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 22! Kam and Tara threw me a Halloween birthday party! Had a blast, did my first beer bong.
Eventually ended up screaming in a haunted house with my drunk boyfriend about the declaration of independence. Hahaha. Then the actual day, went to maggianos with the fam and had a blast. CRISPY BRECHUTTO, YES.

30. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Fucking, nothing. It was brilliant.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Belts, leggings, skirts, empire waist dresses and tunics. animal print, things that bling. boots. accesories, glitz, glamour. BLACK, ALL BLACK ALL THE TIME.
Cutesy, fashionable on a budget, and me. A sophisticated continuation and progression with trends and styles from this year and years past. You guys all know how I dress.

32. What kept you sane?
My friends. Dancing. Kiel. My mom. Good music. Letting lose. And, well, myself.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Really didn't pay much attention this year, really. I love SJP still and Zooey Deschanel.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Well, seeing as how my boyfriend is in the Air Force, as is one of my best friends now, war is a MASSIVE issue with me.

35. Who did you miss?
All my friends.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
People at school. Lindsay and Rami I'd have to say. They are fabuloussss. And make school so much fun.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
"Life is not to fear, life is to enjoy."
1 | &

[10 Dec 2008|11:56pm]
Well, i knew it was coming.
i knew i was about to self destruct and i did.

why is it i think EVERY MAN will cheat on me? why is it when someone treats me well, i figure i don't deserve it?
so i push and i push and i find things to be upset about.

he tells me he's taking active duty to go to Germany for three weeks and make five grand.
my response.
You're gonna get drunk and you're going to cheat on me.
why?
because you're a man.

i literally said this.
god i'm so stupid.
he has seriously never done anything to make me think that. not even remotely.
he treats me like a god damn princess.
i would of been pissed at me too.

i seem to have this uncanny ability to make people think what they're doing isn't good enough when it's more than i ever even expected, and i'm ecstatic to have it.
i don't know why, and i don't know how to fix this.
i need to. i so desperately need to.

i hate this weather it makes me crazy. i wish sometimes i could keep my mouth shut. i wish i understood the weight of my own words. i say them so freely to everyone, and the fucked up thing is, i know how much words can hurt. but i do it anyways, for some reason, thinking mine do not matter.
i guess i should in some weird way be glad he's so upset. least i know he listens to me.
isnt that fucked up?
i should be glad he's so responsible. i should be glad he cross trains to get more money and get us a house, even if he is gone for six weeks. i should be glad he'll be able to go to germany instead of iraq again. i should be i should be i should be, but i'm not. all i want is for him to be here ALWAYS and be safe with me.

what is so messed up about me that i have this insane fear of being alone?

he has to go to Alabama for training the next several weeks. and i'm alone. i realize now, and probably too late, that i gave up everything i had for him. so now when he's not around, i freak. how does one stop being codependent? i thought i had it all together, but i so don't. i'm still making the mistakes i used to. im still working through my issues and i'm so ready to be done with them. when will i just calm the hell down and realize i can rely on myself and no one else?
if i don't figure this shit out, im going to fuck up the best thing to ever happen to me.


i seriously. i have no friends.
Tara and Kamilla hate me for what went on when we moved out. and im sure they've shared that feeling. people knock me down and don't invite me, delete me, what have you, for no reason. one can only imagine what's said when you're not there. i know how people can be.
everything has just fallen in line behind that.
it hurts so bad, but i don't even really have anyone to tell that to.
no one calls, no one asks how i am. no one cares because i disappeared. and i am so well aware, and always have been, of how forgettable i can be to most people.
but its really my fault.

not to mention i have 14 hour days now 3 to 4 days out of the week. when i'm not at school, i'm at work, and when i'm not at either of those places, i'm either driving to or from said places, or i'm finally getting some sleep. its hard. it's really really hard. and people tell me i don't make an effort. but you know what god dammit, i cant! i cant. I don't have the time. no one knows how awful it feels to tell all your friends you cant go out with them. you get sad every time they invite you because you want to go, but you're too broke. you don't have gas, you have work, you have school. WHAT THE FUCK. i'm missing my 20s and it kills me. i miss my friends so much. i miss that carefree lifestyle i used to have. and im jealous of those that still do. it breaks my heart to see pictures, hear stories, and know i wasn't even invited in the first place. because 1, everyone hates my boyfriend even though they don't know him. and 2, i can never fucking go anyways. what people don't know is, just that invite means the world to me. and i do try to go, its just so far, it hasn't worked out very well.
i guess i can almost count on not having a social life or friends until i graduate.
not that many will stick around for that.
i realized the other day that i wont even have bridesmaids. so far i've definitely got jesyka and ren. i see most people saying im stupid. so few are really happy for me. so few even know me anymore, or even kiel or our relationship. i dunno. this is probably my fault as well. i just guess i kind of came from a dramatic, judgmental group. so im scared to even say anything anymore. at all. i saw it in spurts. i also saw it in myself. but i don't anymore. im not sure what that means or what i'm even trying to say.
i feel like none of this even matters. all i know is, i miss them. despite faults or despite... whatever. i miss them all so much. i just wish we could all be happy for one another instead of all the negative bullshit that went on. and still goes on. if you step out of it, even for a minute, you realize how silly it all is. i just wish there weren't so many strings attached. so many politics. i just want to love my friends always, and see them whenever i can.

i guess i just wish that when i do have the time, i didn't feel so uncomfortable even asking if anyone would want to hang out. i wish people understood how much pressure i'm under, and that they'd be happy and treat me how they always did when i can hang out. i dunno.

i just wish i didn't feel like all i have is work behind and in front of me. it's enough to drive anyone crazy. just ask jack nicholson.
and the fact i get 2 'im so proud of you's.'
one from kiel and one from jesyka, and the rest of the people give me shit for being so on top of it... it honestly, well, it pisses me off.
(sometimes it makes me mad, how i used to be. i hate all of this but i'm proud i work for my things. i'm proud i don't get everything handed to me, and bitch about others who don't cos they cant come drink with me or meet the guy im crushing on this week. really? is that what those friendships are based on? cos it wasn't to me and if that's how it is, then i guess you should count me out if you haven't already. i'm proud i'm far more prepared for real life than most people i know. and i guess there is where the rift lies.)



and now the one person who is my rock, is hundreds of miles away and he wont even speak to me.
i literally feel like right now, i have nothing.
and i need to change this. but i don't even know where to begin.


i apologize. i know this isn't poetic but its how i feel. i know its a bitching rant. but, oh well. its what a journal is meant for anyways.
and i have no idea how i'm supposed to go sleep in that bed alone now.
fuck.
&

[02 Dec 2008|12:05am]
I'm getting married.
On Halloween 2009.

I haven't told anyone except family cos I'm excited, yet totally freaked out.
Plus, I don't have a ring yet. I did pick it out with him though.
We haven't even gotten our own place yet!
(Hopefully in march!)

In all honesty, I know everyone is going to talk shit.
Part of me cares, and part of me doesn't.
Because I know I'd of looked at me, and told me I was nuts.
But this... I dunno this is different.
Everyone keeps just saying, "when ya know, you know."
And I absolutely do.
I love him and I could see myself with him forever. All that 2.5 kids, the house, the dog, the cat, a white picket fence, a fucking SUV. All that shit. Retiring and traveling.
The only thing I'm not sure of is if that's what I truly want with my life.
What about New York, Brittany? What about working on fashion shows and musicals and movies? What about all that?
Now I'll just own my own salons. NOT that that's a bad thing. I've wanted that for a long time. Since high school. I just. Find myself at a crossroads of which life path to take. And either way I'll always wonder what if.


I'm very, very happy. Happier than I've ever been in my entire life.
I'm loved to death, I'm safe, I'm taken care of. I trust him more than any human being on the planet. He gets me, yet balances me out. I have so much fun. I'm growing up by leaps and bounds every day. I'm responsible and just... a better version of myself.
Maybe that's the issue. I'm starting to self destruct. When things get too good I flip out.
But not this time. This is right, I know it is. It's just scary growing up into an adult. That's all.


I just had to say all that somewhere.
(I have no idea how you're supposed to feel before you get married! WTFFFF.)
7 | &

[27 Nov 2008|01:08pm]
Growing up sucks.
Yesterday I had an 18 hour day.
Was on my feet for 14 hours doing or talking about hair.
And when I wasn't doing that, I was sitting in traffic in my car.
I don't think I've ever worked harder at anything than I am now.
And I wouldn't mind. It's just I'm busting my ass and I'm still broke.
I want to be able to go out so bad you don't even know.
And I can't because I don't have the gas, the money, or I'm exhausted.

But I guess anything worth doing is hard. And when I save up all that money enough to get my place in town with Kiel. And buy our dog and furniture, and tons of PBR memorabilia, I'll be happy. When I'm able to see all my friends on the reg again. AND be ballin' the fuck out. This will all be completely worth it. I know it.


I AM THANKFUL TODAY IS THANKSGIVING SO I CAN DO NOTHING BUT EAT, SLEEP, AND GET DRUNK WITH PEOPLE WHO RULE.

SO!
Things I am thankful for:
♥ My amazing family for supporting me and loving me. Making my dreams reality. My mom especially for being the best role model, friend, and mother anyone in the world could ever ask for.
♥ My awesome friends. Who still love me even though I can't be around as much. For sticking with me, and when I do get to see you, being just as amazing as you ever were. You are the most wonderful people on the planet as far as I'm concerned. And I miss you all a lot. Thank you for still asking me to come out, or just calling, texting, whatever to say hey. It means way more than you think it would.
♥ My school and all the people there that make it feel like family. 695!
♥ And finally, I am thankful for my boyfriend because he is my motivation, my heart, and my best friend. I don't know how I would be getting through right now without him. He takes such good care of me and is just, the most wonderful man. There just aren't words for how much I appreciate and love him.

I'm starting to feel there is no better foundation for life than stable, steady love. It makes it all worth while. And I have that. So, I guess I should just say thank you for loving me. To all of you. There is so much I could say, it would take a year to read. But the bottom line is, I am thankful for all the different kinds of love in my life. The people and connections. You are all what make life beautiful.


(That was really faggy, sorry. Haha.)

ANYWAYS!
If anyone who doesnt have a place to eat tonight that's a friend of mine, please don't hesitate to call! We're a more the merrier house! We'd love to have you! And we're fun and relaxed. Eat, drink, cuss, tell ridiculous stories, crack jokes, and be happy!
Or if you wanna come eat dessert and drink that's cool too.
(I might make you watch the muppet christmas carol though!)


Okay have a good holiday people!
&

[30 Sep 2008|06:09pm]
+ My first day of school was awesome!
I'm so where I need/ want to be. I'm doing what I love love love. Everyone. Well, most everyone is amazing, laid back, nice, and trendy. Just. Nice people to be around. And they're all so excited to be there! It's gonna be hard, but it's going to be a lot of fun, too. I'm excited.
- There are more Brittanys in my class than guys.
- God damn that shit was too long. I was bouncing off the walls at 7am via excitement and a gigantic double shot energy. And by 1pm I was yawning every five seconds.
+WE GOT OUR KITS. It was like Christmas. Seriously. New hair dryer, a ton of brushes, combs, clips, razors, shears, hilarious mannequin heads, flat iron, curling iron, capes, color applicators. You name it, it's in there. I am fully equipped to do your hair... once I learn.
- We have to do finger waves tomorrow. Ugh.

+My interview today went really well. I think I got it.
- I have orientation for said job at 8am on Sunday. One of my only 2 days to sleep in. WTF is that!?
- REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF/ RUINED MY DAY. I got a call from Aria salon today wanting to hire me, but they can't because I was forced to sign some stupid fucking "no competition" contract with J&F that says I can't work in a competing salon within 30miles of any J&F SO THAT TAKES OUT ALL OF THE BURBS, THANKS. Fuck me. Seriously. I called Joseph hoping he'd have sympathy cos it's so hard to find a job. But he declined. On to the next thing, I guess. And looks like I HAVE to work at J&F or downtown once I get out of school. Which is okay. I just don't like being controlled by something that makes no god damn sense. I don't even have clients to take!


- My boyfriend has drill this weekend. And I'm going to miss him. And he has to shave off his pretty hair.
+I love my boyfriend and he is just amazing.
+Sean comes home from the Air Force on Thursday! Ahh!

I guess that's it for now.
You should text me and stuff.
&

[26 Sep 2008|09:53am]
Horoscope: Some greater responsibility may befall you today and you probably feel a little more burdened by the commitments that are around you. Major life changes appear to be near. Shedding old, fatigued plans to make room for new approaches will ensure you do well in this period.


Between putting my dog to sleep yesterday and my doctor bill with no insurance this morning... there goes my rent money for October!
Plus any going out money for this weekend. Or gas money to get downtown.
AND the medication I'm on for the next week, I can't drink or I will become "violently ill."
There goes my last full party weekend, too.

Still trying to find money for school which starts, um TUESDAY.
And God this is just one big mess.
Fucking. Hate. My. Life.
Actually, I just hate money. A lot.

I don't know whats keeping me from losing it right now, but it needs to continue.
Shit needs to stop piling up. Freal.

Oh, and someone for the love of God HIRE ME.
Not in November. NOW.
&

[25 Sep 2008|04:24pm]

Photobucket

I'm sorry I don't have a better picture of you, but you were never photogenic.
You we're so ugly you were adorable, always. You made me laugh.
You lead an awesome doggy life. And went with me through school till the day I moved out.
I'm glad we saved you from death at the pound and gave you a long, loved, happy life.
I'm glad I was home and here for you to calm you down.
I'm glad I was with you when you had to go.
I'm glad I got to hold you and say, "Goodbye, buddy."

I loved you very much. You were the best family dog I could've ever asked for. Full of clumsy personality and you fit right in with the rest of us.

I'll always love you and won't ever forget you, Mangler.
Rest In Peace.
1 | &

[03 Sep 2008|11:30am]
The feeling of your first very own house. Is indescribable.

I just sat on the front porch bed and was like... "This is my porch. I'm sitting on MY porch." It's overwhelming. I've wanted this since the beginning of high school. And now I finally have it. I did it.


I feel so incredibly lucky. I don't know how I GOT so lucky or what I did to deserve it but I'm just, blown away by life currently.
I've got the best room mates.
I love my family dearly. My mom, my dad, even... my step mom!
My friends have been and continue to be beyond fabulous.
And I have THE most amazing guy in my life.



I don't mean to brag. I just really cannot hold all this joy in.
I am THE brokest I have EVER been. But I have never been happier with my life.
1 | &

I'm tired of being [29 Aug 2008|10:47pm]
-in bed.
- watching movies.
-not being able to live my life like normal cos of my stupid teeth. or lack of teeth.
-living in the burbs.
-and being disappointed by people I don't expect much from in the first place.


I am changing all of these things pronto.
Gettin back into my previous mindset.
And just having fun with my life. Concentrating on people who are worth it. And concentrating on myself and my future and everything I've gotta do to get where I'm going.
Really. What do I possibly have to complain about?
I move out in 3 days with my best friends. Start school and my dreams and my career in a few weeks. Fuck the rest.

Tomorrow is my last day at J&F though. I'm sad.
&

[25 Aug 2008|01:54am]
-I made my mom cry with the birthday gift I got her. Spending basically my whole bank account was... pretty much worth it. It was too sweet for words.
I got her this heart shaped compact that I had engraved. It said " Children and mothers never truly part - Bound in the beating of each other's heart."
She said it was something she'd treasure forever and would want to be buried with.
I dunno. It was cute. I told her how blessed I feel to have one of those moms all the greeting cards talk about. I got choked up picking one out. I'm a total fag.


-When my mom blew out the candles my brother yelled, "GE DUH CANDLES RIGH DURR, MA!" then when we sang happy birthday, we somehow continued the singing into the "whalers on the moon" bit from Futurama. My family is weird. I love them so much. I feel really lucky.


-I always gets excited when Mission Hill comes on Adult Swim only to be thoroughly disappointed cos they only play the same three episodes!

- I'm getting cavities filled tomorrow. Then my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. I'm so fucked.
Then I move downtown. I have to find a job. I really hate money. I have no idea how we're gonna decorate the house!

-I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes but it all feels alright. It feels good. And even when it doesn't, I've realize it always somehow works out like it's supposed to. And as long as I work at it, and face my fears, it ends up well. Even if it's different than what I expected.

-Beba's is good as hell!

-Annnnnd Tropic Thunder was silly as fuck.


"HAH, YOU ODED MOTHER FUCKER!"


I'm educated, sorry.
&

[13 Aug 2008|05:17am]
Tonight was one of the first nights I've truly cried in front of someone in probably a year or more.
Feels like the first time I've cried in forever, really.
Or let anyone know what even slightly goes through my head with current (or past) situations.

I just... bare with me. I feel like I've been sitting at this stop light for a very, very long time. And no matter how many times I move backwards and forwards, I always find myself still stuck at this light. I try as hard as I can, whatever I can, every angle I can. And yet, there I still sit. Trying to trip the same damn light. Waiting for it to change.
And I think it's about time I just run the motherfucker.


That's a snippet of just one of the million emotions currently boggling my mind.


Oh yeah. I'm back in Atlanta. Florida was obviously quite a trip.
&

[09 Aug 2008|05:12am]
Nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever been more mine or on MY OWN than what I'm doing right now.
I love it; I am proud of myself. I thought I would feel... completely ecstatic. And I do. I completely do. But I'm a little stressed about it. Feels like this big step, or more of a leap of faith. And I have no idea what's going to happen and how it'll pan out. It's all on me. The rest of my life depends on if I sink or swim and the decisions I make in the next year. No pressure, right?

This is going to be the best and worst year of my whole life, I know it.
But it's okay.
Because The Beatles can always simply yet beautifully sum it up for you:


What would think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
He gets high with a little help from his friends,
Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I'm gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Oh...
I get by with a little help from my friends,
I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends
I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends



I'm really glad I'm going to Florida tomorrow.
Driving ten hours, the beach, old haunts, good tunes, gigantic iced coffees, your best friend.
Puts things into perspective. Gets your head on strait.
Couldn't be more perfect timing.


8/8/08 was supposed to be my luckiest day.
&

[04 Aug 2008|04:54am]
This conversation just says a lot about where I am right now.Collapse )
1 | &

[03 Aug 2008|04:51am]
Life is far too fragile and short.

So whatever you're putting off until tomorrow, do today.
Whatever you want someone to know, tell them.
And spend as much time with the people you love and who always stand by you as much as you can. Because you never know when you might need them, or when they'll need you.

Let everything else go.
Concentrate on the now and who is most important to you.
Keep true to yourself. Don't ever give up, because you might surprise yourself.
And fuck the rest.


(P.S.- Everyone should go rent The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. The Friday Night Lights series is surprisingly good, too.)
&

[02 Aug 2008|05:01am]
Every thought that I repent
There's another chip you haven't spent
And you're cashing them all in
Where do we begin to get clean again
Can we get clean again
I walk home alone with you
And the mood you're born into
Sometimes you let me in
And I take it on the chin
I can't get clean again
I want to know can we get clean again
The God of Wine comes crashing through
The headlights of a car that took you farther
Than you thought you'd ever want to go
We can't get back again
We can't get back again
She takes a drink and then she waits
The alcohol it permeates
And soon the cells give way, and cancels out the day
I can't keep it all together
I know I know I know...
I can't keep it all together
And the siren's song that is your madness
Holds a truth I can't erase
All alone on your face
Every glamorous sunrise
Throws the planets out of line
A star sign out of whack, a fraudulent zodiac
And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room
You let me down, I said it, now I'm going down
And you're not even around
And I said no no no...
I can't keep it all together
I know I know I know...
I can't keep it all together
And there's a memory of a window
Looking through I see you
Searching for something I could never give you
And there's noone who understands
You more than I do
A sadness I can't erase
All alone on your face
&

[24 Jul 2008|07:10pm]
Dear Mom,

I’m not sure how to start this off or what to say, so I guess I’ll just start with how I feel.
I am sorry. I am so sorry. I deeply, truly mean that.
I never meant for things to get out of hand, whether it be last night, or a few years ago. I guess I never fully apologized for what happened at the Art Institutes. But each time, I appreciated you understanding and letting me do what was right for me. With that being said, I wish you would see that this… is what’s right for me. There is nothing I can do about how I’ve handled things in the past, but to redeem them. I feel I have grown leaps and bounds. I have kept my job, haven’t been late, haven’t missed unless I was really sick, got up at 7am on Saturday mornings. I feel like if the person I was a year ago met the person I am now, they would barely recognize each other. I think me now would punch old me in the face, honestly. And maybe someone should have.
I’m sorry I come off as ungrateful sometimes. But I want you to know I constantly feel incredibly lucky for my life, the life that you have given me. I thank God for you every day and I don’t know where I would be without such a fantastic mother. You’ve always believed in me. And I guess that’s where all the confusion comes. I feel like people in my life have believed in me until it comes down to money recently. And I am trying to not be a financial burden on you anymore because I do feel awful about it, and I wish you’d see that. I mean every word I say.
I’ve dreamed of my downtown house with a porch since the beginning of high school, along with cosmetology school. And these dreams are so close I can taste them… and even better… I did them myself. No help. Paying for it all myself, and I was so proud of everything I had done. That it was so close I could taste it. And I saw how rewarding it was to have done it myself. I still hold that value. I still want to do this all myself. I want you to know, (and you can keep this as a binding written contract if you like) that all I need for all these dreams I’ve worked hard for, is your signature. Not you money. I do not want your money. I will never ask another thing of you. From here on out I am on my own, and I can tell you I would rather eat Ramen noodles for the rest of my life and struggle than let you down one more time. I do not want to break your confidence. I don’t want you to think I’m a fuck up. I want to show you I can do this and I will pay back every damn penny you ever had to spend on me. It's just that I have never felt like a more of a whole person that I have making these things real for myself. Making my own dreams come true with my own determination. I will not lose that determination. I will not let you down again. I guess I never knew how much I was hurting not only myself, but you. And I can't stand the thought of hurting you again. I don't want anything from you that you do not want to give. But I am begging you for this chance to really be something and to be happy with who I am and what I do. To prove to you I can do this. Succeed in the industry further than I already have. Signing this will be the last thing I ask for. Please give me the chance to prove to you I will take care of myself, and you. I will defer the payments and will promptly make ALL of them once out of school. You don't have to waste another dime on me. I promise you.
I've just, put so much of myself into this, and if it's taken away from me I just don't know how long it'll take me to strike up the confidence I have in myself right now, or to reroute my dreams, if I'll even have any left. Please do not take this dream away from me. I'm going to see it through. I won't let you down. I will see my goals out and I will make sure you will not be financially responsible for me. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything. And it's tangible if you make it so. I have worked really hard at this and I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you I will follow through. So please tell me what I can do to make you comfortable enough to help me one last time.
1 | &

[21 Jul 2008|03:51am]
I looked at postsecret today.
I saw one that kind of looked like those block letters you used to draw in high school.

I'm sure I'm just wishing it was from you.
1 | &

[19 Jul 2008|05:28pm]
I'm pretty much fine.
But every time I even think about sex, or marriage, or any plans I had with him I just get so sad because none of those things will happen like we thought.
It just makes me uncomfortable to fathom those things with someone else.
It makes me realize the hole in my heart.
To reroute(reroot?) everything you had put so much into and hoped for.


In other news.
I have a house in cabbagetown. =D
2 | &

[16 Jul 2008|04:16am]
Got screamed at by a client and thrown into a crying fit of frustration.
Found out someone else is potentially leasing our little green house we loved so much. Now have no where to live or a single clue as to what to do come August.
It was my first full day in just about forever not speaking to the boy who stole my heart 5 years ago. My best friend in the world.
Only to end it with words that were too late, a 4am last kiss, and my house key in hand.

But I must say, at the end of the day, some how drinks with good friends, gigantic ice cream cakes and silly southern accents make up for it.
Not to mention sitting on Tommy's bed with Kamilla and Tara laughing a ridiculous amount for hours on end making up a million inside jokes as we go along.
Then theres honey nut cheerios, and dreams (...no, goals) of the weeks to come where we'll only be a hallway apart from one another at the sleepy end of the night. No matter what part of town we end up in.

When you really look at it in retrospect, you can either cry about your day, or you can laugh. Life is either seen as tragedy or comedy. I choose the latter.
1 | &

[15 Jul 2008|01:03am]
my neck is stiff and sore
can barely move
the stress it shows
as i try to bore
myself new.
i walk into my room
the sheets hanging off a bed made for two.
like a openclose crime scene
littered in clues.

i've been love bruised.
1 | &

[15 Jul 2008|12:58am]
Check it!

2008 Mazda 3!
First one saved my life, so I thought, hey why not.
Plus I didn't like anything else I drove nearly as much.

In other news.
3EB= On of the best break-up CDs of all time. If not just one of the best CDs of all time.



Summer time and the wind is blowing outside
In lower Chelsea and I don't know
What I'm doing in this city
The sun is always in my eyes
It crashes through the windows
And I'm sleeping on the couch
When I came to visit you
That's when I knew I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid

And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I never been so alone
And I've never been so alive
Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes
And you don't mind, you smile
And say the world doesn't fit with you
I don't believe you, you're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt, you're guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you
And there's things I'd like to do
That you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you never see it happen

And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've, I've never been so alive
And there's this burning
There is this burning
Where's the soul I want to know
New York City is evil
The surface is everything but I could never do that
Someone would see through that
And this is our last time
We'll be friends again
I'll get over you, you'll wonder who I am
And there's this burning
Just like there's always been
I've never been so alone alone
And I've, and I've never been so alive
So alive

I go home to the coast
It starts to rain I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes

See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive



I have nooooo idea how I'm gonna get to sleep tonight.
Nick and I are completely through.
&

[24 Jun 2008|01:49pm]

Tell me do you think it'd be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy
She took my heart
There's only one thing I couldn't start
&

[22 Jun 2008|08:09am]
I fucking give up.
Just about everyone blows ass minus a few good friends.

I definitely woke up from a ridiculously drunk shitty Saturday night in the Kroger parking lot on Ponce with all the windows down. Hahahaha.
EXCELLENT.
I hate being that drunk.
And secondly, I hate being that drunk and everything going completely awful anyways.

I realized last night/ this morning how lonely I am.
I really hate feeling like this.
And it doesn't help that all the plans I've been making that have been keeping me afloat are falling through.
Coming to the realization you were the only one serious about something sucks.

God I'm in an awful mood.
I honestly don't know how to shake feeling like this. It's such a vulnerable feeling, even though I haven't actually put myself out there with anything since Christmas. All in an attempt to NOT feel like this. But it happened anyways.
I'm not one to make shit up in my head and read too far into things, but I feel like that's exactly what I did somehow. Maybe not. I'm so confused. I have no idea what's going on with anything anymore. I feel disappointed and sad.

I'm going back to bed, and when I wake up, it better be a much better day.
&

[17 Jun 2008|02:40pm]
horoscope:
Follow the most logical path of reasoning today, and don't let anyone make you believe something that is too good to be true -- no matter how persuasive they may be! Your heart is tough to counter when you want things to be a certain way (even if they can't be), but your brain has to be the one in charge, right now. Facing reality now is a lot better than being disappointed, later on. One and one will always equal two, so stop wasting your time looking for new answers
&

[13 Jun 2008|04:57am]
Went to dinner with Momz and got the okay for hair school and living on my own DOWN TOWN! It's actually finally happening! I cannot believe it! Been dreaming of it since I was a wee one.
THEN she bought me bomb ass Coach converses with the leopard print fold backs, a sweet ass clutch purse, and dinner. My mom fucking rulessss.


ASL was basically full of people I know. Venue was pretty. Drinks a bit too expensive. Have to pay for all the flipping of bottles I guess. haha!
Shit was fun.
Got to hash it out with some good friends.<3
I'm so happy about that for real.
Hang out with everyone. Dance a little.
Smoke lots of cigs outside.
Watch Billy attempt unicycling.
And have an awesome talk with my bbygrl Tara on the way home.

I seriously. have the most amazing friend on the entire planet. these people. they're just beyond exceptional. my family. my life. just. the most beautiful people in the world. i'm so grateful for every one of them and everything in my life it's bursting from the seems.
So, thank you.


AND NOW.


WE BOTH HAVE TO BE UP IN 4 HOURS FOR PAUL MITCHELL!
WTF AM I GOING TO WEAR! AHHH!
We must make time for chicken biscuits! hahaha.




I fell like this was all fate. Somehow. I feel like my life is finally TRULY starting. And I am just so happy.
I love you all.
No, seriously. I do.
1 | &

[10 Jun 2008|02:24pm]

This isn't TO me.
This goes out to a lot of you who asked for it and are now getting what you want.

I hope it's everything you dreamed it would be.
1 | &

[19 May 2008|08:45pm]
I thought I'd be stronger. And I guess I was.
But that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Watching you stand outside your house where I've spent so many years.
With that side smile on your face. So bitter sweet.
In my head it went, "This is the last time I saw you."

And saying goodbye to his parents and even the stupid dogs...
"We all need to get together soon and hang at your pool. Stay for dinner we made pizza. We love you."
God. I just left my second family, my home, everything I've known since I was sixteen. Everything that seemed to be my future and the rest of my life.
Something that has made me who I am and shown me what real love is and how it should be and how it feels. And how I should be treated.
The only thing I'm angry about is that we still love each other so much. I know this for a fact. And movies, and people, the fucking Beatles, and every song, and just EVERYTHING told me that was enough. And it wasn't. It should be. But it isn't. And it doesn't make sense to me. Still. I don't think it ever will.

I will never forget you. And all I can say is, thank you for loving me the whole time. Despite all bullshit. I know you and I loved each other more than what most people get to even experience in life. That closeness will never be matched. And I will never, ever stop loving you. Ever.
At the end of this, all I can say is thank you.


I feel like I'm mourning the death of someone.
Of something. And I guess I kind of am.


I want to go get a tattoo this week. I HAVE to go get a tattoo this week.
Who wants to come?

It's time to start over from scratch.
&

[18 May 2008|06:21am]
gettine home at sunrise is even better than getting home when the birds start chirping!


FUCK YOU STEAK AND SHAKE OFF EXIT 5!
Enjoy your ketchup and A1 bottles full of TURTLE MILKSHAKES.
THAT WE DIDN'T EVEN ORDER!




...I definitely went through the toll booth with 4 male passengers naked from the waste up.
I CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!
Oh man you should've seen the look on the tool booth bitch's face.


Bahahahahha.



What a good night.
My life rules.
&

[17 May 2008|03:27pm]
horoscope:

Today is the perfect day to take another look at a situation that has been bothering you off and on for a while -- maybe an unresolved spat with a friend, a choice you don't want to make, or a task you don't want to perform. Your vision is crystal clear and you are ready to see things as they truly are. Your rose-colored glasses are off, and now you will be able to see this person, option or task for what it really is. Things reveal themselves to be a lot better than you feared
&

[15 May 2008|02:37am]
I think it's been almost a year since I've actually sat down and had a talk with someone like that.
I think it's been almost a year since I let myself THINK about any of that.
I think it's been almost a year since I've felt anything I should of felt years ago.
&

[12 May 2008|06:20pm]
fort lauderdale, my land of dreams.
fort lauderdale, a fantasy.
a place where we're lovers stuck in time.
a place where i resign and design.

i took you to my old stomping ground.
ten hour drive to a tiny beach town.
showed you the ways, showed you the ropes.
"This horizon landscape is ruined by boats."

This is what I did when I left because you left me.
I drank too much and cried by the sea.
Made long distance phone calls asking for your hand to hold.
"Darling, I'm not actually there, you're out there on your own."

I ran away from you only to find you followed me.
So I wanted you to really be here, and to see what I see.
Maybe you'd finally get that part of me.
But instead you lied to people back home and made love to me on dirty sheets.

You told me it was make or break.
We'd made it until we got back in our state.
I'll hold on to those days of just me and you.
And think how it could've been had you only stuck through.

fort lauderdale, my land of dreams.
fort lauderdale, a fantasy.
2 | &

[17 Apr 2008|03:06pm]
Plus:
+ DOUGIE FRESH CALLED ME.
HE GOT ME A TICKET TO RADIOHEAD.
DOUG IS THE FUCKING MAN!
I'm beyond excited!!!!

+I'm officially going to be in FT.LAUDY DAUDY in ten days& counting for an entire week!
Also beyonnnnnd excited!
for this:

AND THIS:

MY FLORIDA BABIES GET READY!!!!

+The weekend is finally here!

+ I was off THE HOOK last night!

Negs:
- I was off THE HOOK last night!
My head hurts so bad I can barely see strait.

-I couldnt get off tomorrow and have to miss Patty's birthday. And possibly Saves the Day as well depending on what time I get out. Which is bullshit cos I always cover for everyone else. Assholes.


- I have no plans tonight so let's hang out and make it a plus!
&& It's super nice outside so let's do something while it lasts!



Call&txtttttt nukka!
1 | &

[11 Apr 2008|01:43am]
It's interesting.
When you let go of the love that consumed your life
you realize how much love has been around you and in your life the whole time.


I've found my strength again and I'm really proud of myself for it.
&

Salmon'd!? [10 Apr 2008|03:15am]
CHECK THIS SHIT.
WTF?


2:08 AM
Her: A toast! To Brandy Alexander, the great Civil War general!
Me: haha what?
Her:Ah! Random user!
Her: What did I just say to you?
Her:Trust me, there's a point to this.
Me: haha. who is this?
Her: We've been salmon'd, which is when a salmonbot randomly connects two AIM users in conversation.
go to themissinghat.livejournal.com
I JUST posted an entry about wanting to be Salmon'd.
Her: What was the first message I sent to you? Because I didn't send it, the bot sent it and then connected us, and I'm just dying to know.
Me: A toast! To Brandy Alexander, the great Civil War general!
Her: HAHAHAH.
Anyhow, sorry if this whole Salmon business has disrupted your evening. ^^
Me: haha its okay
im just slightly confused how this works.
Her: So am I.
The community explains a lot of it through independent conclusions
From what I can tell, there is a person/group behind this project who randomly connects livejournal users (who may, actually, have something in common with each other)
Do you use LJ?
Me: yeah and i just posted. i got that. so it just links two people together? neither of which initiated the conversation?
Her: Yes.
I was actually just talking to an operator
Me: haha thats kind of cool
Her: And then he said Goodbye and patched me into you
Me: so should i ask like a/s/l haha its been a very long time since i had a chat with a complete stranger via internet
Her: HAHAHA
I know!
I was thinking about the SAME thing.
I'm 17, female, and in Columbus, obv.
Oh, sorry, 17/f/oh
lol u?
Me: Hahaha.
21, female, in the ATL. obvs.
haha
oh do i need the slashes?
is that like good manners?
Her: Hahaha YES OR U FAIL THE INTERNET
Nah. I got over the slashes when I was about 13?
Me: haha
good call.
Her: This is why I love Salmons!
I never meet people 100% randomly anymore.
Me: haha yeah me either.
theyre always in my extended network hahaha
Her: Ahahaha, yes
Me: so im guessing this isnt your first time with the salmon thing
can you like, command it or does it just randomly happen from time to time?
Her: I was Salmoned once, and then I searched a little on google and found that lj community
From what I can tell, it's random, except I'm fairly certain the salmon operators watch the community i linked you to
They've initiated conversations between people with quotes from the community, etc.
And now this.
Me: hrm. this is all so weird.



HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ANYONE ELSE?


That was weird. But she was cool as fuck.
Uhh why does Adult Swim keep playing the SAME Aqua Teen over and over?
Why are you and I still doing the things we did together only 400 miles apart?
1 | &

[10 Apr 2008|02:06am]
to say it plain and simple:


I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man.
This is why I will be leaving
And this is why, I can’t see you no more.
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
I don’t want be a bad women
And I can’t stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can’t see you no more
This is why I am lying when I say
That I don’t love you no more
Cause I want (to) be a good women
And I want for to be a good man
&

[09 Apr 2008|04:17am]
Book reading with Yalisfer round 2!
Seriously points given to her for real! hahahaha.
Wangssss was good.
Alyson& Brittany go to ..whitecastle.. get some FUCKIN TILT.
DJ Trio Bingo Bango Bongo session with Billy Kim.
Club bucks.
(5 dollars to get in, dawg.)
Checkered Parrot bucket o booze.
Drum and Bass wtf?
Good drive home/talk/holy fuck it's 4am!

Uhh. Yes I missed this/you guys so much.
I feel so loved right now and like, I may not be where I expected, but somehow am right where I need to be.
It's okay I'm in the middle of my path. And that it's a little more longer and rougher than expected.
(that that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger!)


It's good to know I make people happy.


That's really all I could ask for right now.


=)
2 | &

[31 Mar 2008|11:26pm]
Random thoughts that will probably make no sense to you as to where they came from.:

1. The other girl will never be THE girl. Ever.
If you are the other girl please check your priorities/morals/respect for yourself.
This sadly goes out to too many.
And all the guys, seriously go fuck yourselves. And learn to be decisive and not screw with people. I know you think you're being nice. But it only hurts everyone more.

2. Apparently writing things not only gets me in trouble, but others too. HAH.
We should all just never share our feelings. Seriously.
I obviously. Do not give a fuck.

3. Why did I cut all my hair off, again? Remind me?

4. I've decided to not worry about tanning this year. I'm pretty sure the only people who care about how tan my skin is is other chicks. And the guys who go to tanning beds. And do I want to hang out with those guys? No. No I don't.

5. I really fucking miss Fort Lauderdale and everyone who lives there.
I also miss Jesyka.

6. I really want to be a flight attendant because I want to be out of town most the time/ move. But be able to see everyone I love still on a regular basis.
And I need money to go back to school.

7. Oh yeah, and I want to be semi-famous. And I want to plus size model more than like, oh hey once a year. And I seriously am going to Micheal's to get sweet accessory design shit and start papertigerrr.com. I also seriously want a paper tiger tattoo. I'm so lame. I want to constantly look like a million bucks. I want to have a million bucks. hahaha. wtf.


8. Generally, I'm ready to let this all go and move on and better myself. I'm already completely aware I'll come out on top and so is everyone else. This is dumb. I need so much change right now, I feel like. I'm ready for the next chapter.

9. I feel like painting right now&&& I want to never eat again!
I want to make videos, write, take pictures, do art holy fuck create and be a canvas all at the same time? I dont know. I wanna pick back up everything I ever easily gave up on/ never believed in myself.


10. Please let me hear my album. Please?
It'd probably make me remember everything fond, beautiful, and completely lovely that was our time together.


11. I had to repost this because it kind of punched me in the face earlier today:
"you can never find the right person if you can never let go of the wrong, but at the same time the moment you feel like letting go, you remember why you held on for so long. sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve."
2 | &

[25 Mar 2008|12:05am]
your house is cold and so are you.
your bed's in the love corner now and that's all we do.
turn on the heat somehow.

the queen of fake red hair and the king of fake blank stares.
you're in it I can see it.
What?

I know, it's never about me.
&

[23 Mar 2008|01:30pm]
Last night was fucking insane.

horrorscope:

No matter how intense your emotions are, you can handle them! Do not be afraid of what your heart is feeling or fearing. Your own inner strength will enable you to step forward. Accept the challenge: It's time to be brutally honest with someone you love. Who? Why, yourself, silly bear. You can't hide from the truth about how you're feeling or what you want. You have to embrace your feelings and move forward. Share what you're feeling with the people you love. They will support you.
&

[21 Mar 2008|08:14pm]
Back off or I will make your life a living hell!
KTHANKS!

To quote the great Luda, "get out uh mah buiznass my buiznass!"

Oh& all those people talkin' like they know me n shieeet.
Fucking stop, you idiot. You're only making it worse. And you don't even know what you're talking about! Please for the love of god, people! Stop talking FOR me. I can say it myself. Obviously.

If you can't tell I kind of hate everyone/everything today.
I hate what people said to me/said about me. And how I feel and I'm too strong of a person to fall down that road again.
I refuse to let this take me under. I'm fightin' hard. I've seen the other side and I'm better off. I just need to get there again.
Yeah I know I'm sad but you would be too. I'm doing the best I can with what I have and theres no reason for concern. When/ if there ever is. I will tell you. Strait up.
Give me time. I'll bounce back ten times better than I was.
I always do.

I don't know why I'm even saying any of this.
It probably won't even matter or cross my mind in a few months.


Seriously. Need to turn this shit around.
And how do I do that?
Hang out with people who looooove me and who I love.
&

[12 Mar 2008|12:48am]
MYSPACE WON'T LET ME POST THIS SHIT SO HERE!




Kam&I could of sworn we were dead or dreaming at Steak and Shake for like half an hour tonight.

hahahahahaha.
WHAT?



60 Things You Can't Possibly Know About Me

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
A whole bunch of shit. I couldn't even tell you. I don't go back there. It's... pretty scary.

2. When was the last time you threw up?
Surprisingly, not this weekend. But this weekend coming up has serious potential.

3. What's your favorite word or phrase?
"Oh, word." or "WHAT THE FUCK" is most commonly used.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Jesyka, Kamilla, Staci&Cyndi with thier 80's Sanjiya faux hawk.

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Hating everyone ever cos I was driving to work.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Smokin a cigarette with Jack, CJ and Jes.

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?
HAHA. If I had done this survey 4 days ago the answer would of been no.
But now, Barbie at Claremont Lounge has my heart.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Night Jack!"

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Mint chocolate.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Waterrrr always.

12. What are you wearing right now?
Haha well I'm sitting in bed so a black tank and black undies.
SCANDALOUS.

13. What was the last thing you ate?
The most ridiculous steak&shake ever.

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Oddly enough, no. But, it's only Tuesday.

15. When was the last time you ran?
Around 7 tonight. Holy crap muscles I didn't know I have hurt.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Hockey. =( awh.

17. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Everywhere. With my homeboy Anthony Bourdain.

18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
I'd look if myspace wasn't SLOW AS FUCK.

19. Ever go camping?
Long time ago. We still all need to take the camper out on an excursion though.
CMON CARROLLS!

20. Do you have a tan?
I could probably use my pale limbs as large glow sticks at afterlife.
So, no.

21. Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
I flushed my cell pho-OH WAIT THAT WASN'T ME.

22. What is your guilty pleasure?
Pop punk and really bad 95.5 shit.

23. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Word.

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Yes. Rats shit on those cans, you know.

25. What did your last text message say?
"Okayy can I come in?"

26. Are you someone's best friend?
Yessss.

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
Work and then goin to Athens to stay with Yalsifer.

28. Where is your mom right now?
Asleep.

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
My cat.

30. What color is your watch?
It'ssssss a calculator watch.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Koalas, actually. And Steve Erwin, rest his Aussie soul.

32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
GOLIATH OWNS YOU.

33. Birthstone?
Opal. And you can't wear it unless it's yours too!

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
I only go into s&s and panda with kam and amanda. haha.

35. Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
Too many.

36. Do you have a dog?
Hershey dog.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Bebeh Kamiiiii!

38. Have you met anyone famous?
UHHH. Not yet but TIM GUNN is gonna be at perimeter tomorrow! Er, today.

39. Any plans today?
Today's over. So. Adult Swim and AIM. haha.


40. Who'd you get this from?
Some chick I barely know. Haha.

41. Are you happy?
I'm content.

42. Where are you right now?
In mah bed.

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Figuring out love isnt enough to make it work and that maybe the Beatles were wrong for once.
Or having to work at the other location of my job and its completely different and weird.
That I might not being going to St.patties.
That Alyson doesn't have a fake.
That i'm being lazy and haven't registered to vote.

44. Last song listened to?
Metalocalypse.


45. Last movie you saw?
The Other Boleyn Girl was fucking awesomeee.

46. Are you allergic to anything?
yr momz.

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
My black boots that go with everything.

48. Are you jealous of anyone?
Nah.

49. Are you married?
Nope!

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
Not so much jealous as competitive. If anyone is, I don't know and that's just silly!

51. What time is it?
12:53

52. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes.

53. Do you eat healthy?
Yeah until I fucking smoke!

54. What do you usually do during the day?
Work, internet, work out, eat, text and smoke cigarettes, go out with friends.

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
Nah. Things can be annoying and lingering in memory.
But I pretty much love everyone in my life right now.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
My work demands it. It's usually followed by a forced cheery 'HOW CAN I HELP YOU?!"

57. How many kids do you want when your older?
Two. Three years apart.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
22. Fuck I'm old.

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Again, Goliath owns you.

60. How did you get one of your scars?
My dad had a motorcycle during his midlife crisis and he made me go for a ride. I was wearing shorts and I burnt my leg on one of the pipes. Way to go soldier!
&

[08 Mar 2008|07:23pm]
Today's the day my heart forever lost a huge piece of itself.
Today's the day only a few tears came because they'd been flowing for so long, I think they've dried up.

Today's the day I broke up with Nick for the last time.
Left someone I loved with my entire heart and am never going back.


Today's the day I really start completely over after 5 years.












Where the fuck do I start?
1 | &

[06 Mar 2008|12:02pm]
Every person lies. The lies may be small and harmless ("That haircut looks great!"; "I find your abs way better than Brad Pitt's"), or they may be big and serious ("No, honey, I didn't take out a second mortgage"). Even the "harmless" ones can destroy a relationship if they're sufficiently frequent. So how do you know if you're being hoodwinked?

To start, it's important to know why people lie. While there are certainly individuals who fit the profile from the old car salesman joke (how do you know a car salesman is lying? His lips are moving) and lie simply because they can, it isn't the case with the majority of folks. "Most of the time, people lie when they don't feel safe telling the truth," observes relationship expert Dr. Jackie Black. That doesn't excuse the behavior, but it does suggest a relationship where one party is so afraid of disapproval, they decide it's easier to skip the truth. If you're having a problem and decline to discuss it with your partner because you're afraid of how they'll respond, they might feel the same way...and they've likely been misleading you as well.

What are other tip-offs? At first, he may avoid outright lying and become evasive. "Usually people are uncomfortable telling lies," says Dr. Black. "Men may stop being forthcoming; it might begin to feel like pulling teeth to have a conversation. When asked direct questions, he may avoid answering the questions directly or say, 'I don't know' a lot." Unsurprisingly, badgering him will rarely result in the truth, and he may lie simply to end the conversation. Once he gets away with one lie, more are soon to follow.

Making it stop

How do you stop the lying? Dr. Black says you need to build a relationship based on:

* acting with goodwill and good intention
* treating your partner's feelings as if they were your own
* creating an environment of zero tolerance for adversarial energy between the two of you

Or just hook each other up to polygraph machines at all times.
&

[04 Mar 2008|02:13pm]


I'm sorry I failed myself even more.
&

[03 Mar 2008|05:03pm]
Horoscope for March 3rd:
You're a skeptic by nature and today brings another reason to stand by that stance. You may find that someone is holding back a crucial bit of information -- so figure it out and fix things up.



i'm trying!!!!!
1 | &

[02 Mar 2008|05:13pm]
Here's a odd confession.


When I get like this. I get scared of what will happen.
The unknown of my future and myself.
And when that happens, I think about my past and things I've been through.
And I think about when I was in rehab. A lot.


And even weirder is... I miss it even more.
&

[01 Mar 2008|08:22pm]
Every day that passes I lose a little more hope.
Every day I feel more and more stupid for ever having it in the first place.






Detoxxxxx emotions.
&

[28 Feb 2008|08:50pm]
Are you not the slightest bit confused?
Just the truth
The speed at which we move blends so well
It's too soon

Separate yourself from what compels you to relinquish us
Push your way on to me, entirely
Stay away from me, stay away from me now
Less you gonna see, less you gonna see me out


No, I can't dance less it's slow or sad
To a song that's far less obvious
You using me, do it slowly
Make it last until I have to go

Trust me when I say just a few more weeks
Don't move
Resist temptation
Or do you see fit, just choose


Separate yourself from what compels you to relinquish us
Push your way on to me, entirely
Stay away from me, stay away from me now
Less you gonna see, less you gonna see me out

No, I can't dance less it's slow or sad
To a song that's far less obvious
You using me, do it slowly
Make it last until I have to go
1 | &

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